I wrote this in 2022, six years into training and about a year after earning my purple belt. I'm a black belt now and I own White Lotus Jiu Jitsu, and I still stand behind every word.
When your gender feels like an obstacle
For the past couple years, I have really struggled with my gender in the sport, and the longer I have trained, the more I have found it to be an obstacle. This is particularly frustrating because it feels like something out of my control. I want to feel like an equal part of the jiu jitsu community.
During my time training I've been involved in co-ed and women's-only training environments, both classes and camps. I have attended open mats and classes extensively locally and gone on numerous road trips across the country, stopping along the way to roll. Most of my vacations revolve around jiu jitsu, and I have traveled to train as far as Estonia. That array of experiences has given me the opportunity to see the diversity of cultures across training environments.
As we all know, Brazilian jiu jitsu is a male-dominated environment. When I began my journey, I was very fortunate. My training partners accepted me as part of the community and never made me feel inferior. During my first class, I was the only female in the room, surrounded by mostly 200+ pound men. They were quick to help me acclimate to the gym and always made me feel like I was part of the team.
But as COVID shifted my training and I also began traveling more, I started to recognize the ways I was being treated differently as a woman.
Here's an example. One time, while I was traveling and visited a new gym, the head instructor only introduced himself to my male partner. Not only did the instructor only shake my partner's hand, he didn't verbally greet me or even make eye contact with me. At this gym, I was only asked to roll by other women and children. After I had exhausted those options, I had to work to convince a man to roll with me. At the end of our roll, he said, "Huh, you're actually good." I was the only purple belt in the class and had been training longer than everyone else there, but the men at this gym still largely ignored me.
This is the reality in some places, and it is frankly unacceptable.
On the flip side, I've also been a part of some very inclusive gym environments. One of the major reasons I love attending BJJ Globetrotters events is that I never feel like I'm treated differently for being a woman. When I went to the Estonia camp, I was in awe of all the upper belt women who were there, and I couldn't wait to roll with them all. By the end, I realized I hadn't gotten around to rolling with even half of them, because so many people of both genders had asked me to roll. Almost all of the purple belt men there had asked me, and I thought that was really cool.
I think one of the biggest problems is that women in BJJ get into cycles of complaining about the issues we face. Instead, we need to come up with some action items. I've compiled a few to-dos and standards. Please keep in mind this list is not exhaustive and is merely my opinion.
Be intentional about your use of language
It's beyond irritating to hear things in class like "Feel free to do girl push-ups," when, as a female, you know damn well you do a push-up better than half the men in the room.
I acknowledge that as a gender, females traditionally have less muscle mass. We can't fight genetics, but we can fight the fact that society puts girls down by saying they do something "like a girl."
Stop using "like a girl" as an insult. The same goes for any word associated with femininity used to mean weak or cowardly, and for phrases like "Suck it up and be a man." Let's stop enforcing these stereotypes of what men and women should be while at the gym.
Consciousness in language is a major tool in removing perpetuated norms.
Let's all try to examine the impact of some of the things we say and be more intentional about the language used in our gyms.
Use size, not gender, when rolling and drilling
Don't go light on me while training just because I am female. Be aware of your strength and weight in comparison to my size. I'm a 125 lbs. person regardless of whether I'm male or female. That means a 200+ lbs. partner has the ability to put too much pressure on my ribs, or easily pop my shoulder out with a kimura.
This does not make a heavier or lighter person less valuable as a training partner. Rather, rolling with a lighter person should be a good opportunity for a larger man to work on his technique instead of his strength, which is often something people in BJJ rely on heavily.
Ask women to drill and roll
Every woman who trains BJJ knows that dreaded moment when it's time to roll and you scan the room, trying to make eye contact with men who avert their gaze. When you're the only woman in class, you're also usually the only one left without a partner.
If you haven't experienced this, you are incredibly lucky to attend a gym with an amazing culture that stops it from happening.
I've listened to friends both locally and around the world describe similar experiences. Some women have said that at their gyms, men and women never drill together, and women rarely get asked to roll by men. We need to make sure this is not the norm.
Women are your training partners. They are there to learn jiu jitsu, just like you.
Men should think about asking their female training partners to drill occasionally. I understand that sometimes you might be working on a move where a size difference would make it challenging. However, if you're working on something like an armbar from guard, there's no reason to limit your options. It makes women feel like part of the community when you ask us to partner up, like you place some value on what you can learn with us. Don't judge those who say no and aren't comfortable yet. You never know what someone else is going through, and it may take time for them to get there.
This means women need to do the same. Ladies, this means going outside your comfort zone and asking someone new to be your training partner. I understand it can be intimidating to ask a man you don't know, but if we want to see change, we need to be proactive as well. Although I love to drill with my girlfriends, I often make a point to partner with men at the gym. I also make a point to roll with everyone, regardless of gender or body type, when I'm not injured.
Facilities
If a gym wants women to feel like they belong, there needs to be a women's changing room. It's simple: if you don't give us space, it projects the image that we are inferior to the men in the gym. It doesn't need to be the same size as the men's locker room, but it should at least exist.
Personally, I've come to prefer the idea of a co-ed changing space with individual rooms to dress in. As someone who has often been the only female at the gym, I can remember countless times sitting and waiting for the men to come out of the changing room, where they hung out for twenty minutes shooting the breeze. It made me feel like I was missing out on some of the camaraderie.
The facilities also need to be clean. The consequences of dirty mats and training gear go well beyond aesthetics; most of this is basic hygiene. It's hard to attract and keep women at your gym when it isn't clean.
Representation matters
Honestly, I've wrestled a lot with the pros and cons of having separate classes for men and women. I can definitely see how it can be intimidating for women to start the sport and jump right into the craziness of a traditional BJJ class. On the flip side, women-only classes can create a clear distinction between the genders that sometimes works against equality in the gym. I could write a whole entry on this alone.
What I see as a simple solution is to have women be instructors for co-ed classes. This puts a woman at the front of the room and creates the norm for students that women have an equal standing in the gym. Women are usually limited to being a children's coach or leading only women's classes, and I think that sets a bad example.
If your gym does not have a higher-belt female, think about using a woman as an uke some of the time. It's something men take for granted, but for years, unless it was a women's class, it was always a male instructor and a male uke.
Representation matters.
Also, stop assuming all women start jiu jitsu for self-defense. Some people are interested in self-defense, but it gets framed differently between genders: women are there to protect themselves, while men want to be strong and able to kick someone's ass.
I started training because I grew up doing martial arts and was looking to try a sport that was more aggressive. I also wanted to find the sense of community I'd had with the people I trained with before. I love that jiu jitsu is an avenue for women to learn self-defense, but I don't want everyone to assume that is every woman's reason for joining.
Joining and leaving a gym
When onboarding at your gym, make sure there is a system in place so new students know the values of the gym. Emphasize that there is a zero-tolerance policy for sexual harassment of any kind. That standard should be demonstrated by all leadership, not just the head coach. When a woman brings an incident that made her feel uncomfortable or offended to someone in a leadership role, do not dismiss or downplay it. Take action and make sure that kind of behavior does not continue.
Consider doing an exit survey when a student cancels their membership. It can help identify what went wrong and show areas of growth for your gym. This is especially important when it comes from someone in a minority group, such as women or older jiu jitsu practitioners.
Diverse gyms lead to safe and thriving communities
Generally speaking, the more homogenous the gym, the less tolerant it is of other perspectives. Unfortunately, that means a male-dominated view is left to thrive and often goes unchecked. If diversity across the board positively impacts culture, I hope we can agree that we should work toward an environment that's more inclusive of women.
I think it's important to create a dialogue between men and women, to build awareness among those who are blissfully unaware, and to change some of the misogynistic practices that still exist. I would love to hear what other people think about this topic.
Train with us
Women train at White Lotus at every level, and the number keeps growing. Read more about women's jiu jitsu at White Lotus, or come try a class. Your first week is free.
